A New Life for Us All

     This morning Ben asked Matt, "Daddy, aren't you going to work today, it's Sunday?"  The first indicator of change is that our family always went to church together.  Only last week did Matt go alone without us.  One week was all it took for our 7 year old to understand "normal" was changing.
     When I came down and greeted Ben I was met with, "Class dojo is cancelled today, Mommy, it's the weekend."  He continued, "Daddy didn't go to work, and nobody is allowed to go any where.  If you do, you have to stay 6 feet apart, because of the Corona Virus."  How many of us could've imagined that in 2020, with all our technological and medical advances, a tiny little virus would change our lives?  It would do so for an amount of time that would be carved in our memories for generations to come.  It will be the "Great Depression" of this Century.
     So what are we all doing to adjust?  To Cope?  I know in the beginning I was literally excited.  Can you imagine?  No, I'm not insane, but from my perspective I was "forced" to stay at home with my family and take care of all of my work and School Board responsibilities from home.  My young adult kids were "forced" to be home.  These are the people we never see because of their busy lives.  Bliss.  Pure Bliss for this Mom!
     Next came the adjustments for all of us being at home together at the same time.  Chore schedules went up on the fridge, and I had to come up with a crash system - fast - to get Ben adjusted to "school at home".  That consumed my first week.  Seriously.  Hours and hours each day.  I would still send out "Remind" messages to my class, and I started learning about using Zoom for face to face cyber meetings.   

I sent an email to colleagues asking how it was going, because I was convinced I must be doing something wrong that I wasn't hearing from anyone from my job.  For my son, it was different.  Emails and assignment lists daily.  Our routine changed drastically each day as we learned to navigate Ben's needs and temperament with the demands of the curriculum.  If you didn't know this about us, Ben has a number of diagnoses and has extremely high needs behaviorally.  He takes medicine.  We take him to therapy.  We have had to meet with a social worker from children's services as a result of an anonymous referral made by someone concerned with his unusual behavior.  We have had to learn to control our behavior & emotions whenever we deal with him so that we don't evoke a total violent melt-down.  Those who know Ben know him all too well and those who don't comment, "Oh, he's just so cute!"

    As I said, the first week was a series of major adjustments learning how to navigate this new world.  This past week, week #2 of quarantine, brought new questions from school leaders at my job to assess were we "working enough" or were we prepared for more weeks of shut down/remote learning, or some combination of those concerns.  The answer came in professional development.  A way to keep us engaged for all the time they're paying us to sit at home, and a way for our minds not to grow stagnant.  My heartbreak lies in those who aren't having their minds engaged.  My countless numbers of students from whom I haven't heard, I'm praying for them.  Daily.  They, I'm sure, are not completely ok.  If they are gaming all hours of the day and night their brains are turning to mush.  If they are hiding in their rooms because things are happening in the house that are unsafe for them, they are not ok.  They probably don't have enough food.  They probably don't feel safe.  I don't get to have them together in a "safe space" and that bothers me more than non-teachers can understand.  However, as I described in great detail, I'm a Mom.
     As much as I lament over whatever is happening with my "school babies" I have a responsibility first to my son.  Last year at about this same time I contemplated taking family medical leave from my job to deal with the ramifications of my son's multiple diagnoses and getting a proper treatment plan in place for him.  We, as a family, were navigating a difficult path with the school at that time, negotiating his learning needs.  In the end, I didn't need to take a leave of absence.  This year, one was basically forced on us, but not like a normal leave of absence.  We are physically absent, but still expected to work.  Still expected to take care of our school aged children.  In my world, that's too many things.  Something has had to give, and sadly it's my job.  It isn't that I don't want to put my students first.  My older children can tell you without hesitation many times in their lives my school responsibilities came before them.  I don't know if that was as bad as it sounds for them, but they have turned into really amazing, responsible, stellar young adults.  For this child, things are different.  His needs are greater than the olders' ever were, and my support network was different. 

 

My sister, who shouldered many parenting responsibilities with my olders while I was a single Mom, has her own two active teenagers now.  We are all older.  The responsibilities with Ben fall on Matt and I alone.  That was our choice having a child later in life.  It isn't what we expected, but it was what we agreed to take on when we made the decision to have a baby in our forties.  Ben's challenges likely aren't due to my age as a mother, but for whatever reason God had a plan to make him special, and teach us a special way of parenting no one else may understand.  
     It's taken me two weeks to come to the heartbreaking realization that I'm NOT Wonder Woman, despite the cute tattoo I had Moises from Fatty's on DuPont Circle engrave on my shoulder last summer. 

I cannot do it all.  I cannot attend to my son's needs and be fully present to my job responsibilities from 8am-3pm weekdays.  I have plenty of sick days.  If anyone judges me for cashing them in on days I'm scheduled in PD webinars, oh well.  Let them judge.  They will never walk in my shoes and they don't know how much I've already had to learn as both a teacher and a mother to raise this child.  My child is amazing.  He is loving.  He is special.  All of our children are amazing in their own rites.  So if during the Pandemic of Spring 2020, I had to take sick leave a number of days from my job in order to care for my "high needs" child at home.  I can live with that.  I am not completely off the grid for my students.  8pm on Saturday I'm curled up on my couch grading work,

Sunday afternoon I'm making flipcharts.   I'm reading/responding to dozens of Remind messages "outside of office hours".  I am blown away by the parents still working outside their homes as deemed "essential" and trying to provide support and encouragement for them.  They are the Heroes! 

 

so I found a balance that is good enough for me and allows me to sleep at night knowing I am still doing my best.  It may not be what "they" expect of me, but it is what they are going to get during this unprecedented time, and I'm ok with that.