The Neurospicy Kid Wore Out Our Last Nerves

      I never in my life thought I would ever say to a 12 year old kid of mine, "Well, there you did it, you fucked around and found out."  As horrific as that sounds, (you can trust and believe I know it does, particularly coming from the wife of a preacher), I'm at the point that I don't even care if I'm hurting his feelings or if it matters that I cussed that badly.

      Our present situation is that we've sat together for over 2 hours and he's unsuccessfully tried to focus on his online math course for about the last 3 1/2 hours [including the 2 I sat with him].  It's Saturday, but since he's still several lessons behind, he needs to do 4 today.  In the almost 4 hours, he's only finished 1.  They should take about 30-40 minutes each maximum.  The comment above was referencing pretest #2 where he wasted 42 of the 60 minutes ignoring the test in front of him and when he got to the last 2 minutes of the test he hurriedly guessed at 3 of the questions, getting a 60%, which requires him to go through the entire lesson.  After sitting next to him while he's messing around, and after walking away and taking away all stimuli I can imagine to distract him and setting a timer, and he's still not accomplishing anything, you can probably imagine why I got to the point to say what I did when he blew a test full of questions he knows how to answer.  After a brief time out in my room, he seems to be listening to the lesson now, and he's looking at the screen every so often.  The current threat over his head is one of physical pain.  He will get the hardest spanking I can physically manage to give him if he doesn't finish this current lesson in 45 minutes.  I will sit with him and help him with the post test whether he gets spanked or not.  (Spoiler alert - the threat worked and he didn't need spanked)

       As he's not focusing on the screen, and is telling me how much he loves me, he's singing the chorus to Green Day's "Good Riddance".  I google the lyrics and find they are frighteningly appropriate to this moment.  How can this kid be such a genius when he acts like a Will Farrell main character 80% of the time?  How does he even know this song, when it was popular 4 years before he was even born?  It's time for me to pray, not curse, I know, but I'm at the drinking wine and cursing point.  It's after 4pm on a Saturday so don't judge.  I'm spending just as much time marveling at him as I am cursing under my breath.

       Matt wanted to start a memoir about our experiences with Ben and the olders - but mostly Ben.  None of the olders ever forced us to experience the level of hell Ben occasionally does.  Having said this I cannot be clear enough about the absolute highs we experience when he achieves and makes us as proud as humanly possible.  Like when he was the only 6th grader in the Chorus of Guys and Dolls Jr. they taped a microphone on, or when the choir director asked us to have him join choir next year, or when the play director said he wants Ben in the elite singing ensemble next year.  About how he's taking the summer online course because he's skipping not one, but two grades of math and will be taking Honors Algebra 1 at the High school next school year as a 7th grader - the only one in his grade.  He also wants to get Baptized this summer.  If those achievements are worth the joy and celebration we've given them, I don't know what is.

       Fast forward 2 hours and Praise Jesus!  He finally passed the last scale factors posttest and he's now on angle measures.  He's breezed through 3 pretests in less than an hour.  90%, 100% and 80%.  The only reason for the 80% is we genuinely didn't know what the Triangle Inequality Theorem was.  Look it up, then still try to imagine if you can use it to determine if a triangle can have side lengths of 4, 18 and 23.

       I have to believe that while Jesus may think slightly less of me for my earlier behavior, He's happy Ben and I are rejoicing now.  It is absolutely true: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

In case you're interested in sampling the memoir...Here's the start of it:

What the Heck Am I Doing?

Musings On Parenting Autistic Kids

By Matthew and Jennifer Kluchar

Introduction

From Matt:

As I sit down to write this introduction, I’m having a particularly difficult afternoon with our youngest son, Ben.

It seemed an appropriate time to start a book about our experiences with raising kids on the autism spectrum. You see, Ben’s been given the opportunity to take honors algebra at the high school in the coming school year, even though he’s only going into seventh grade. At first, he was very excited about it. He got it into his head that he wants to go to MIT and be an engineer like his two uncles. In order to take this class, however, he has to take seventh grade math online throughout the summer. Ben met the challenge right off the bat and was very enthusiastic at how easy it was. But as the course went on the lessons got more challenging, the favored screen time decreased, and the frustrations compounded until we found ourselves where we’re at today.

For the past several hours he’s been across the room from me complaining about how much he hates this, how stupid he is for dawdling, and how much he’d like to be doing anything else. My wife has an amazing gift of being able to tune him out, which I envy greatly. Myself, I’m what some people consider an empath. There’s nothing supernatural about it, I just absorb emotions from other people like a sponge. Needless to say, I’m totally drained.

If he goes into the other room, he’ll never get it done. I can offer very little help because my math skills are very obsolete, and my wife (a Special Education Coordinator) is on the clock with her online school. These are the moments where I wonder why God thought I could handle this child. Then there are those moments when he thinks I’m the greatest Dad in the world and we’re having a great time.

True, this is what we signed up for as parents. But if you’ve picked up this book I’m guessing that you understand that parenting a child on the spectrum takes it to a whole other level. Don’t worry, this will not be a book full of complaining. I’m simply venting at the moment, as many of you have at some point. Overall this will be a book of raw honesty, emotional highs and lows, victories and defeats, and always coming back to a thankful heart for these amazing children we’ve been blessed with. 

My wife and I have three kids between us that are somewhere on the autism spectrum. Two are biologically mine and one is my oldest stepson. Their ages are twenty-six (Jack, stepson), twenty-three (Meghan), and twelve (Ben) and they have all agreed to be mentioned in this book. We also have two other kids who are not neurotypical, but not autistic. Just because we have three kids on the spectrum and my wife works in special education, we are by no means experts in the field. We are very much like other parents of autistic kids: doing the research, trying different avenues, and doing our best to help them all succeed.

That being said, let me explain what this book won’t be. It won’t be a “how to” manual (we’re still learning as we go). It won’t be chock full of answers to difficult questions (like I know anything for certain). Think of this book as a companion. Parenting an autistic child can be a very isolating experience. It may be because you don’t have the time or energy to establish outside relationships. It may be because other people have a difficult time being around your kids. If that’s you, then hopefully this book will help you feel connected to others in some way.

If you have a good support system of friends and/or family, then that’s a wonderful blessing. You still may enjoy the stories we share and the things we have learned as parents. This book will be an easy read, since you most likely have very little time and energy to read anything deep and involved. So join me in our shared adventure, leave yourself open to feel whatever emotions arise, and most importantly relax for a little bit. It’s ok. 

From Jenny:

Back in the mid 1990s, when I started my Graduate studies, I feared Special Education; however, several colleagues assured me I was gifted in this capacity.  My greatest fear: “What if I take an already messed up child, and screw them up even further?”  As Matt and I learned when we had Ben in our forties, God has a sense of humor.  When I was a little girl it was snakes.  I feared snakes the most and my grandparents lived in a place where most people would spot them, and boy did I, on the daily.  I’d show my grandfather who would then proceed to kill the thing with a garden tool or just his boot.  They were the only living creatures I didn’t struggle to see killed.  Now I digress. You’ll find I’ll do so far more often than my husband. 

I have recently discovered I am neurodivergent, on the ADHD side.  My middle son, Jared, has this issue as well, and begged me all through high school to get him diagnosed and medicated.  I refused, because he was a good student overall and I refused to medicate a perfectly well functioning kid.  I do understand, though, and can completely relate to the procrastination, the avoidance, the absolute need to do anything other than the thing I need to do.  For this reason, Matt at first didn’t want me to contribute to this project - he knows I lack follow through.  The reason I bring it up is because Ben isn’t just Autistic, he’s extremely ADHD as well.  That is the part of him that can’t be sent to his room to do the math homework - he’ll never finish it.  

The natural born Kluchars have no issues with procrastination whatsoever (except Ben).  They know they need to do something, they get right to it.  Not so much with my birth children.  Also, unlike Matt, I was divorced much longer than he was before we met.  I had to learn coping strategies to take care of my older boys.  Back to grad school - since I preferred not to study about intellectual and learning disabilities, I focused on behavioral challenges and Asperger’s Syndrome.  Although now obsolete, in the 1990s Asperger’s was the hot topic.  My professors at the University of Kansas had all published books on it.  In fact, my advisor, Dr. Brenda Smith Myles, is still considered a national expert on ASD and speaks often at conferences and summits on the “Hidden Curriculum”.  God having the sense of humor He does, he was “frontloading” me for all things to come raising multiple neurodivergent children. “Frontloading” is a word I would introduce to Matt soon after we met.  It is how we survive with fewer meltdowns with Ben. It’s how I navigated the world with Jack when he was little.  Matt didn’t avoid meltdowns with Meghan, since he had no idea he was dealing with an [obvious to me, but not her parents] Autistic child as well.  My Graduate school study and training did prepare me in many ways to not only parent Jack better than I would’ve without it, but it also enabled me to see the signs early on in his development.  I even jumped on the Jenny McCarthy vaccine bandwagon for a hot minute, until I read enough to understand how debunked it was.  I’m not sure if it’s my ADHD or my extensive training of my own behavior while rearing Jack in his formative years, but by the time Ben was 18 months old and squawking, pulling my hair, and banging on a drum while I was on a phone call it didn’t even phase me.  Matt even caught the scene on video, posted it on Facebook, and chuckles about it often.

I think our diverse experiences prior to coming together enables us the perfect balance of a partnership to keep ourselves sane while we navigate the waters of all these neurodivergent people in our lives.